I think im going to throw up on grandma
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
