All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
