i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
