I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
