So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
