Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
