We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
