You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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