We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
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Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
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Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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