Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
