I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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