so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
