She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
