I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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