I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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