so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
