i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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