hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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