Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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