Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
