He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
