How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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