my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
