Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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