I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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