We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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