did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
