so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
