I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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