it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just had sex bonerless
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
