I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
