i will never coherently bang her
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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