His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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