i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
