If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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