There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
