i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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