You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
