He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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