I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
