My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
