I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I lost the right to judge tonight
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
