I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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