I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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