I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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