i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
