She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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