i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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