A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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