I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
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I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
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If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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