he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
