She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
