So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
