Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
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Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
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I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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