I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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