I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
